I have been listening to a lot of Emo music lately. You know, Dashboard Confessional, Funeral For a Friend, Taking Back Sunday, et al. I connect to it sometimes. I think it is the pain in the lyrics that make it so powerful. Or maybe it is just me and where I am in my life.
Tonight is Friday night. I am home. Alone. Writing a paper for school but alone. The isolation makes you evaluate a ton of things. this soul searching has become a nightly ritual for me. When the sun has set, the TV is buzzing and the Red Sox lose BIG like they did tonight, it makes me wonder, is it all worth it?
Sure, I have a great job, fabulous friends, and a family I couldn't live without. My sister alone, although we constantly have disagreements, is my biggest champion and I can't imagine not having her let alone in my life, but my only sibling and my closest connection to my past. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, funny, compassionate, and above all loyal confidant to share my life. She makes me who I am, and although I never share it with her, she knows how much she truly means to me. Even if she mocks me for my impeccable fashion and grooming sense. (Enough David Gest comments already! I stopped waxing my brows!) I know I am truly not alone, but tonight, I am the solo person behind this computer so yes, I am ALONE!
Alone. What does that really mean? For me, it means coming home to an almost empty house, albeit Wally is here and greets me only when he wants out, but then shares his love through kissing my face and whining. Alone is the mail through the mail slot, on the hallway floor, not sorted. Alone is me behind the stove, a man, a can and a plan, cooking a gourmet, yet frugal meal. Alone is laughing to myself at Facebook or the asinine comments made in my virtual classroom. (And I swear, if I am told to have a Blessed Day one more time, I might throw up). Alone is making the tough decisions and seeing them through, regardless of future consequences or despair. Alone is texting someone with a joke and getting a witty response in return. Alone is wondering what could have been, what is, and what will be.
Regret is wallowing in the past and not looking toward the future. I am learning to live my life with no regret. And it sucks. But it is necessary. And I will continue to do this. It builds character. And it makes me who I am.
Tonight is an Emo night. Enjoy this! It sums tonight up a lot!
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