Have you ever spent the entire day inside, in front of the TV and have done nothing at all? I have. Today. I got up, took Wally out, went back to bed, got up again, took Wally out, turned on the TV and nested. I watched football, surfed the net, talked to some friends, and awaited the start of the Amazing Race. And did I mention I didn't shower? Yeah, no... not me. I was officially sloth, kind of like a roommate I once had. The only thing missing was a tube of cookie dough and Days of Our Lives. Holy shit! What does this mean? Am I becoming a loner? Am I living a reclusive existence? No. Not at all. I needed a day like today. I needed to recharge. I needed to evaluate, identify, plan, and implement my next phase. You see, in the past few months, I realized I haven't been doing anything for myself. I mean, sure, I am in school, getting good grades. I am keeping up with people, either inter-personally or through the amazing world of Facebook, but I am still not shutting myself off from the world. I am making new friends and acquaintances, I am exploring the area around me, and getting lost in places like Watertown, Belmont, and Medford. I am enjoying the wonders of the city, on the cheap, but enjoying them nonetheless. But today... today was a day where I could just sit in a hoodie and a pair of shorts and do nothing! And think.
I need to change some things, this I know. In the past three months, I have lost 22 pounds. Not by exercising or watching what I eat, but simply from the stress of the world around me. I am starting to find outlets to appease my stress, but I welcome the weight loss. I mean, Friday I wore a pair of jeans that didn't fit me in January, but now they look, dare I say, good! So weight loss regime is on. I just need to do it in a healthier way, which means tomorrow, I am hunting down a gym and joining.
I need to care less about what others think and focus more on what I think. I mean, after all, Dr. Seuss said it best when he wrote "be who you are and say what you mean, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." I think that I have found a group of friends who completely embody that. It's time to be less concerned about fitting in and more concentrated on embracing how I stand out. I like standing out. I need to not be as worried about being judged because those who matter don't mind.
I need to realize that things come and go, and that there is a huge window of opportunity that is opening in front of me. My friend Lisa Richardson (some of you may know who she was) wrote in my yearbook: "Chris, you are an amazing person. Never set your sights too low.... shoot for the moon, and if you miss, don't worry, you will be among the stars." She was right. I miss her a lot. My dad gave me similar advice in his last month. He said, late one night, "Booby, you need to be who YOU are, not who you think others want you to be. You have made me proud, and I love you." I have never shared that before.
With that said, I think that with the change of seasons comes personal change. I am trying to be a better person. I have found several volunteer organizations where I can lend my time and give back. I feel really good about that.
On a more personal note, I think that most of you know that I am the type of gay that likes a good show tune. There, I admitted it. I will stay the pseudo indie-hipster I am, but if a Sondheim song comes on, you know this bitch will work it out. And even though they made Xanadu into a musical, I am partial to this. Sure, it's the kids from Glee, but if ever a show tune spoke to me, it is this part of the song:
I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down
New season, new attitude. I am through with people pulling, and putting me, down. Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game!
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